How many people does YOUR family have?
I spelt it with a Z for emphaziz! ;)
1. I promise to stop killing all those people!
2. I’m gonna lose 188lbs, so I will have literally LOST WEIGHT.
3. I’ll stop basing my everyday speech off of the dialogue from Django Unchained.
4. This year I will build a fortress out of steel and iron to keep important people safe when the apocalypse happens! (Me, wife&dog, Will Smith, maybe Jada Pinkett)
5. I’ll quit smoking (sawdust and pinecones)
6. I’m going to finally learn how to roller blade. I’ve had this inline skating gift certificate for ten years, I NEED TO USE IT. It’s from my father. He hates me.
7. I’m going to stop screaming, “Yipee Ki Yay Motherfucker!” every time I have an orgasm.
8. I’m going to continue the never ending journey and plight of sucking my own dick, and then explaining to everyone why it’s not gay.
9. Every time I write the date, instead of writing 2013 I’m gonna write 5318008 (which upside down, is boobies) (on a calculator) (I think) (oh whatever Martin! You think you’re so cool. You’re not. I happen to like calculator humor, ok?? I’m sorry not as SOPHISTICATED AS YOU MARTIN)
9. I will make 2 #9 resolutions.
10. I’ll fight an old person (76-90+)
11. Also, I will fight a shark, tiger, or hybrid of those two animals, and die in complete satisfaction, knowing that I had the coolest death of all time.
12. Will make an Ice-T mask out of clay and rat hair. Constantly, I will carry around a can of Cocoa, and scream, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED!!??”
13. I will watch a Madea movie!
Just kidding, I will never watch a Madea movie! Because they’re awful! Anywhayz, have a great new year, and remember:
IF YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO SHELL FISH, ONLY EAT IT IF YOU REAAAALLLY WANT IT!
Adios 3 amigos! (Steve Martin, Martin Short, Chevy “Martin” Chase)
Love always and abundantly,
For the love of God just give me some air!
—Mariah Carey’s Tits
DEAR MULDER AND SCULLY,
As far as I can tell, is about 3 feet short of an apple tart.
Jurassic Park is coming out in 3D this winter. I haven’t been more excited to see a movie since I saw Suburban Commando in 3D in an acid-fueled hallucination I once had on a dreary night in February. I was in 4th grade, and the flag still meant something.
I opened a can of Pringles once, and a squirrel ran out of it. I like to think we met one another on purpose; that things in life happen for a reason. In reality, my cousin, Fredrick, worked at the Pringles factory, and on his last day filled bunch of cans with squirrels. Come to think of it, I have no idea why I was so shocked. I should’ve felt the can’s weight was greater, and there was a jostling coming from inside (also, a squeaking).
Here’s my list of favorite JAWS movies IN ORDER:
2. JAWS 2: Cruise Control
3. JAWS 4: Madea Goes to Church
4. JAWS 3: Lost In New York/Dark of the Moon
5. JAWSCOP: Cops and Jawswersons
6. JEWS: Schindler’s Bucket List
7. JAWZ: Step Up 2 The Street (Sharkshank Redemption)
Recent events have shed light on new life lessons to live by. Lesson #1 is DO NOT rub poison ivy all over your face unless you want to look like Charlie Sheen/Sloth combo (not the delicious cheese/pretzel snack)
If you need to stop hiccuping, hold your breath and swallow. That, or do enough mescaline to kill seven Tibetan wrestlers.
My dog’s farts smell like Pauly Shore’s sweat, and burnt badger skin. Don’t ask me how I am familiar with either of those smells, because I honestly do not remember.
DO NOT EAT A SAXOPHONE REED
DO NOT EAT A SAXOPHONE REED
DO NOT EAT A SAXOPHONE REED
I REPEAT, DO EAT A SEXYPHONE CREAM!
Thanks gang, that’s all I’ve got in me for now. That, and 20 cheeseburgers! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go kill 300 GIANT MAN-EATING SCORPIONS. THANKS A LOT FOR INTERRUPTING! IF THE WORLD ENDS, IT’S YOUR FAULT! WAY TO GO!
Brought to you by Ratatouille-style Pez dispensers
Every time I’m in a weird mood I think of Dennis Hopper saying, “The whim of a mad man.” From SPEED. 1994’s SPEED. Not to be confused with the television network, or the drug.
Making a new movie called Pooper. It’s about Bruce Willis and J.G.L. stuck in a porta-potty for twenty-four hours with six pizzas, a bag of dead batteries, Colin Farrell, and ONE roll of toilet paper. Disney has signed on.
There are a certain number of Slim Jims you can eat (eight) before you are sick of them forever. You like them just fine, but after the eighth Slim Jim in your lifetime, a small gland in your body stores the craving for them into a dark hole where forgotten flavors go to die.
Teen Wolf + Time Cop= TIME WOLF
Weekend at Bernie’s + Bernie = BERNIE AT BERNIE’S
Jurassic Park + Jury Duty = JURASSIC DUTY
The Postman + Jaws = THE JAWS
Sex & The City: The Movie + Simon Birch = HILARIOUS
If I were on the Sons of Anarchy, my character’s name would likely be Harvey Pittles. I would work in the garage part-time, and have a weekend gig at Target stocking shelves in the “Patio Furniture-Accessory” Section. I’d have a slight limp, that was only noticeable to close friends and family, and I’d have a ferret named Rafferty.
Q: Where do most Zombies live?
A: On DEAD end streets! hahahahahahahaha :P LOL hahaha(picks up loaded gun) hahahahaha ohhh hahaha(puts to head) haha lmfao HAHAHA(pulls trigger. dies. wife comes in. time passes. will is read after funeral. will is as follows:
Bill- My entire set of Fraggle Rock DVDs (home-made), and a vinyl copy of the Beverly Hills Cop theme song sung by the Brooklyn Heights Children’s Choir.
Frank- My collection of In Bruges rolling pins! One character from In Bruges painted on each rolling pin! (four total)
Hammish- A half eaten tuna fish sandwich, and a bag of hair. fuck you Hammish.
Stetson- A football helmet filled with cement. To be used as weapon, or decoration. NEVER BOTH.
The New York Mets- A CLUE. HAHAHAHAHAHA (rises from grave.) muahahahahahahahaha(realizes he is some sort of god) aaahaha lol lololol (transcends life, and the universe. still loves KFC))
Thanks for playing guys. Your parting gifts include the sound of children crying forever, and 14 REAL Gremlins. DO NOT GET THEM WET! ;) Winx. See yall around XMAS!
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR
You will probably listen to this one million times, so just be ready for that. - Paul
Here’s a dubstep remix I made of James Adomian doing Jesse Ventura doing Skrillex noises (also a little Eddie Pepitone).
Also featuring Doug Benson and Paul F. Tompkins (as Cake Boss).
Taken from Doug Loves Movies #607 and The Benson Interruption at Bumbershoot.
Something even more annoying I did with Peacock & Gamble a while back: http://zacbentz.bandcamp.com/track/yaboolaboola
Your daily Ferrero. Enjoy.