Schindler’s List 2: Cruise Control

Reese Witherspork.

I wish that my feet had wheels that came out of them, like airplanes, or feet-wheels.

Sometimes, my dog masturbates. It’s a little disturbing when he does it while on my lap, or leaning on me, but what’s more disturbing is the amount of times I’ve taken video, and shown it to as many people as I can. They need to know the truth.

My dad once woke himself up with his own fart….turned to me and yelled, “I told you it’d break! It’s a fucking burger box!” To this day, I think the source of my depression is not knowing where that came from, or what it meant. 

“There’s a storm coming Mr. Dwayne Wayne. You and your friend(Sinbad)s better batten down the hatches.” ~ Catwoman (Jasmine Guy)  (sunglass flip)

There is actually a southern baseball player named Chipper Jones, which is such a bummer, because A. He totally ruined the best southern baseball character’s name in a hilarious baseball summer comedy movie…..and B. I can’t name my dog that now. 

The skin on John Cusack’s face sags 1/4 inch every two years. In 7-8 years, he will look like one of the faces Geena Davis makes to be scary in Beetlejuice. 

I had to Google how to spell Cusack. It still doesn’t look right.

Christopher Lloyd. Christopher Guest. Gulloydstopher Christ!? 

The shirt I’m wearing right now smells like cat & pee. I don’t have a cat, and have never peed in my entire life. Weird right!? How does it smell like this!?

If you eat 34 ice cherry ice pops in a row, very quickly, you will get a bad stomach ache, and probably a few other small problems. 

Just to clarify, I am not a doctor, I’m just pretty good with ice pop information. 

Dogs must CONSTANTLY want to chew through their skin to get to those bones. Cause they love bones so much!

Remember that movie NORTH!? Ahhh. Yeah.

MACY’S in Times Square is the tallest building in the world. It has been said that if you drop pennies off the top, you will have completely wasted some money. Also, you may have killed people. 

I have work in 5 hours, which makes me think FUUUUCK. (Not about fucking, just the word, FUUUUCK.)

Thanks gang! See you next year!

<3 T-boz

ps- power shift

ps- popular snails

ps- poop salt

ps- powder slime

ps- pumpkin sex

ps- pillow shavings

ps- punch susan

Copyright 2004 HARPO

This is wonderful.

My Resume

I could care less about growth. I could care less about the well being of YOUR company. I want money. Lots of it. JK, I’d love to learn about your company, BUT, I want to have enough cash in my wallet, to be able to buy a boat, and blow it up. For fun. I’ve never seen a boat explode in person, and I’d like to see that. I wouldn’t want anyone on it obviously. I just want to see it explode. Maybe have someone jumping off of it as it explodes though. Someone like, Matt Damon or something. Yeah, definitely Matt Damon. He’d be jumping off the boat while it’s exploding while I’m sitting safely in a raft, a few yards away (or whatever distance is safe from an exploding boat), eating a tub of popcorn, that was popped by the last living member of the Beatles. (This will clearly all take place after Sir Paul McCartney passes, because Ringo Star is an alien, and will live long past all of us) That would all cost SO MUCH MONEY! Lol. In all seriousness though, that’s what I’m trying to do here.

Human                  1983-present

Position: Yes please! (LOL! Sorry, that’s an old joke. My brother taught it to me in high school. When you’re filling out an application, and it says, ‘Position’, fill in, ‘Yes Please!’. Like you’re asking for sex! Or something. I sort of forget the whole thing as a joke, but you know what I mean.

-        Works hard when motivated with actual fire under rear end. Apparently, this is not just a saying, it will make almost anyone work harder, I can vouch for that.

-        Once, as a child, killed a frog. Felt bad about it, but never let it get in the way of my work.

-        Can juggle. EXTREMELY WELL.

-        Demonstrates a HIGH passion and appreciation for the Pirates of the Caribbean films. (Sans the 4^th one, that one was dog sh*t.)

-        Has beaten Super Mario Bros. 3 about 45 ZILLION times. In case your company is not sharp with numerical skills, that’s a lot of times.

-        Do the BEST impression of my cousin Charles. “Ugh….ugh….can you pass the potatoes??…” (Impression much more impressive in person)

-        Can recite, line for line, any episode of Fraiser. (Don’t ask. It was a REALLY weird situation that I learned every line to every episode, and I’m not exactly proud of it, but I’m not sure what kind of company this is, and I just thought it was a skill you might want to know about.)

-        I have no sense of smell.

-        The sense of smell thing might seem like a bit of a downside, but I find it to be really helpful in a lot of situations.

-        My initials are T.A. I think we can all see why that’s funny, right?? Soooo, yeah, I’m pretty good to have around the office for a laugh.

-        One time, I was camping with my friends Roger and Brett, and we were totally passed out (WASTED, LOL), and I woke up to this growling. At first, I thought it was my stomach, cause I ate like, 40 Slimjims that night, but NO. It was a freaking BEAR. A real BEAR! So I got out of my tent, and just started FREAKING out. Like, I was screaming, and throwing stuff at it, and just making wild noises like a maniac, until I realized, it wasn’t a bear AT ALL! It was just a dark-colored beach chair we had sitting by the fire. I don’t know what the grumble was…but yea, so I have pretty good survival skills.

-        Great team player

-        Loves sports teams that WIN. And MONEY! Which is why I need this joooob! BOOM! :)

Two Scoops & More                                                                                                                              2005-2005

Position: Ice Cream Scooper

-        Learned to scoop ice cream, and the importance of NEVER turning off all of the freezers at closing time because you think it’ll save energy, EVEN if you think you’re doing something nice for the owners, who may or may not be your own parents

-        Made lots of cool milkshakes with all different mixtures

-        Not too much else learned at this job. I turned the freezers off the first night I worked there, so all the ice cream melted, and my parents (who own the shop) fired me the next day.

Howell Community Preschool                  (1990-1994)

Home School                                                                                                                                      (1994-2004)

(Communications)

How-to-fix-it Online Video Classes                                                                        (2007-2007)

-        Found out that 3 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers are $3.00 at Wendy’s, but ONE REGULAR cheeseburger is $4.75! So if you just get the 3 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, you’re getting so much more food for your money. So basically I’m sort of skilled in code-breaking I guess. Like Tom Hanks’ character from the DiJorno Code books.

-        Can clean a bong in UNDER 40 minutes.

-        Can hold my breath for 30 seconds – 1 minute!

-        Know how to play the Jurassic Park theme song on a recorder

-        Once spit my chewing gum out, kicked it, and it landed on the top of the antenna of my car. SWEAR TO GOD

-        Pretty sure I’m psychic or have SOME SORT of psychic ability.

-        Thought of the idea for iphone covers with bottle openers before they came out in stores. Just didn’t have time to copyright it.

-        Ability to dance well under any sort of pressure/in any situation

-        Make great guacamole, mac & cheese, grilled cheese, and ham & cheese (working on other recipes)

-        Motivated by challenges and committed to finding solutions

-        Never really make fun of handicapped people

-        Can take a punch pretty well (note: have only taken punches from my friend Roger, and he’s not super-strong, so this one might not be actually 100% true)

-        Once met Mario Lopez (Saved by the Bell, Access Hollywood, etc.)

Review of River City Extension’s ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Your Anger’

It’s review time!!! Put on your 3D glasses, and strap into your cargo shorts! I’m going to tell you what I think about the new record, Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Your Anger, by the band River City Extension!

I first received this record a few weeks ago, and was so excited to listen! So excited in fact, that I passed out for a few hours (days), and awoke to myself lying on my kitchen floor covered in my own vomit and blood (and someone else’s urine!), and looked down to my hands, which were still firmly grasping the Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Your Anger record! I immediately relived my excitement, and passed out again.

After a few days of semi-consciousness, I was able to compose myself enough to listen to the record. That’s when it dawned on me…I don’t have a CD player! Or a CD! I had imagined the whole thing, and was clearly just passing out for the past few days due to the massive amounts of heroin I was doing. However, I looked at the calendar, and realized it was the release date for the new RCE record! I downloaded it at once!

Unfortunately, since I don’t have a personal computer, I downloaded it at my local public library, and was unable to save it, or transfer it to another medium, so I was still in heavy pursuit of other options. (Note: Kinkos, Wendys, and Pier 1 are not viable places to download music! Lesson learned!)

My first thought was to call each member of the band, and have them explain their parts on the record, one by one, in great detail, so I could put all of the explanations together in my head, and get a pretty solid idea of how the record sounded, but alas, it was too much work. Also, I do not have a phone, OR any of the phone numbers to the members of RCE.

My second option was to record the album myself, or at least what I thought a follow-up to Unmistakable Man would sound like, and listen to it. Then, I would review THAT! Here’s what I came up with:

Track 1- Bing Bong Bong – This track was AWFUL. It just sounded like me, mixing in Ying Yang Twin lyrics with hard hits to pots and pans, and some gurgling noises in the background. I guess though, it sounded like that because that’s exactly what it was. This is no way to review the new RCE record.

My final strategy was to just go to a friend’s house, and listen to their copy of the record. So I did. And I reviewed it. I reviewed the HELL out of it!

Unfortunately, that review was burnt to ashes in the fire I started at my friend’s house, due to my sheer excitement of hearing the first few notes of ‘Glastonbury’, the first track off the record. Ultimately, that was all I heard, but it sounded GREAT. If the rest of the album is anything like those first few notes, this band is in for BIG THINGS!!! Thanks for reading!!

PS- I would like to issue a formal apology to _______ ___________ for setting fire to 1** ______ Rd. Hamilton, NJ. This was purely accidental, and I’m really sorry. I hope it’s not too much of a surprise for you to come home to from your vacation. Best of luck! Best wishes!

-T