Hey y’all! I’ve been desperately looking for a job…with minimal results. Here is my resume, maybe some of you could take a look at it for me? (I have most certainly sent this to companies.)
I could care less about growth. I could care less about the well being of YOUR company. I want money. Lots of it. JK, I’d love to learn about your company, BUT, I want to have enough cash in my wallet, to be able to buy a boat, and blow it up. For fun. I’ve never seen a boat explode in person, and I’d like to see that. I wouldn’t want anyone on it obviously. I just want to see it explode. Maybe have someone jumping off of it as it explodes though. Someone like, Matt Damon or something. Yeah, definitely Matt Damon. He’d be jumping off the boat while it’s exploding while I’m sitting safely in a raft, a few yards away (or whatever distance is safe from an exploding boat), eating a tub of popcorn, that was popped by the last living member of the Beatles. (This will clearly all take place after Sir Paul McCartney passes, because Ringo Star is an alien, and will live long past all of us) That would all cost SO MUCH MONEY! Lol. In all seriousness though, that’s what I’m trying to do here.
Position: Yes please! (LOL! Sorry, that’s an old joke. My brother taught it to me in high school. When you’re filling out an application, and it says, ‘Position’, fill in, ‘Yes Please!’. Like you’re asking for sex! Or something. I sort of forget the whole thing as a joke, but you know what I mean.
- Works hard when motivated with actual fire under rear end. Apparently, this is not just a saying, it will make almost anyone work harder, I can vouch for that.
- Once, as a child, killed a frog. Felt bad about it, but never let it get in the way of my work.
- Can juggle. EXTREMELY WELL.
- Demonstrates a HIGH passion and appreciation for the Pirates of the Caribbean films. (Sans the 4th one, that one was dog sh*t.)
- Has beaten Super Mario Bros. 3 about 45 ZILLION times. In case your company is not sharp with numerical skills, that’s a lot of times.
- Do the BEST impression of my cousin Charles. “Ugh….ugh….can you pass the potatoes??…” (Impression much more impressive in person)
- Can recite, line for line, any episode of Fraiser. (Don’t ask. It was a REALLY weird situation that I learned every line to every episode, and I’m not exactly proud of it, but I’m not sure what kind of company this is, and I just thought it was a skill you might want to know about.)
- I have no sense of smell.
- The sense of smell thing might seem like a bit of a downside, but I find it to be really helpful in a lot of situations.
- My initials are T.A. I think we can all see why that’s funny, right?? Soooo, yeah, I’m pretty good to have around the office for a laugh.
- One time, I was camping with my friends Roger and Brett, and we were totally passed out (WASTED, LOL), and I woke up to this growling. At first, I thought it was my stomach, cause I ate like, 40 Slimjims that night, but NO. It was a freaking BEAR. A real BEAR! So I got out of my tent, and just started FREAKING out. Like, I was screaming, and throwing stuff at it, and just making wild noises like a maniac, until I realized, it wasn’t a bear AT ALL! It was just a dark-colored beach chair we had sitting by the fire. I don’t know what the grumble was…but yea, so I have pretty good survival skills.
- Great team player
- Loves sports teams that WIN. And MONEY! Which is why I need this joooob! BOOM! :)
Two Scoops & More 2005-2005
Position: Ice Cream Scooper
- Learned to scoop ice cream, and the importance of NEVER turning off all of the freezers at closing time because you think it’ll save energy, EVEN if you think you’re doing something nice for the owners, who may or may not be your own parents
- Made lots of cool milkshakes with all different mixtures
- Not too much else learned at this job. I turned the freezers off the first night I worked there, so all the ice cream melted, and my parents (who own the shop) fired me the next day.
Howell Community Preschool (1990-1994)
Home School (1994-2004)
How-to-fix-it Online Video Classes (2007-2007)
- Found out that 3 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers are $3.00 at Wendy’s, but ONE REGULAR cheeseburger is $4.75! So if you just get the 3 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, you’re getting so much more food for your money. So basically I’m sort of skilled in code-breaking I guess. Like Tom Hanks’ character from the DiJorno Code books.
- Can clean a bong in UNDER 40 minutes.
- Can hold my breath for 30 seconds – 1 minute!
- Know how to play the Jurassic Park theme song on a recorder
- Once spit my chewing gum out, kicked it, and it landed on the top of the antenna of my car. SWEAR TO GOD
- Pretty sure I’m psychic or have SOME SORT of psychic ability.
- Thought of the idea for iphone covers with bottle openers before they came out in stores. Just didn’t have time to copyright it.
- Ability to dance well under any sort of pressure/in any situation
- Make great guacamole, mac & cheese, grilled cheese, and ham & cheese (working on other recipes)
- Motivated by challenges and committed to finding solutions
- Never really make fun of handicapped people
- Can take a punch pretty well (note: have only taken punches from my friend Roger, and he’s not super-strong, so this one might not be actually 100% true)
- Once met Mario Lopez (Saved by the Bell, Access Hollywood, etc.)